The Drop

It’s been a tough long year. It’s crazy looking back and seeing how much I really did this year. I had to relearn how to live fully in the world post-pandemic. I went from fully masked at work to forgetting to even have a mask on me. I went from “I’m never travelling again” to just coming home from a ten day cruise and spending a couple of days as a human sardine in New York City. There were times when I was so smooshed between people that I could barely squirm enough to get through them. I went from a world where I was fully isolated to the complete opposite. That wasn’t even the only thing I did.

I had to learn to live in an entirely new world. It takes a lot of energy and even a sprinkle of courage to leave what you know to venture into something entirely new. It was exciting and fresh. But just like with every other new adventure, that feeling eventually wore off and here I am seeking more. I seem to just keep jumping from one distraction to another.

About two weeks ago I got back from that cruise vacation I mentioned. That was a pretty great adventure and an even better distraction. I could not believe how stressed and down I was to come home. I call this the drop. It happens sometimes after fun events or trips. This one was worse than usual though. Palpitations, chest pains, headaches. These all seemed to flood back almost as soon as we crossed the border back into Canada. Part of that was due to turning airplane mode off on my phone. All of my responsibilities came flooding back all at once. Bills, appointments, and more. Why do we have these phone things again?

Normally, I’m look forward to coming home and sleeping in my own bed. That wasn’t the case this time at all. I knew my cat was well taken care of and I had some serious thoughts about not coming back. I even just bought a super comfy brand new mattress and I could not have cared less if I ever slept in it again. Thoughts without plans are pretty useless though and so here I am. Trying to find a healthy level of content while sitting around and waiting for the next distraction.

Oddly enough I’m also exhausted. I feel like I have no energy to do anything extra. Luckily I have people to push me. On my trip I was also exhausted but I had enough interest in things that I got up and did them anyway. I haven’t been able to find that again since being home. I just sit around and do nothing just like I did before I left. It feels like I need it because I’m just so tired.

I have a lot of great people in my life and I even have a lot of the things I used to wish for, so why do I not feel better? It’s really hard to figure out this life stuff. At this point in my life it’s like I now have the formula but I don’t know the when and how, or I just don’t have the skills or energy to apply it. I know that exercise, sleep, and vegetables will make me feel good. Less social media is better for my brain and will give me more time to do things. I know that being creative is incredibly important for me to feel fulfilled. I know that people and community are a big part of what make me happy. I have the ability to do and nurture these things, don’t I? Sometimes I’m really not sure. Is it motivation, is it energy, or is it just me? What am I missing? Heck, who knows, maybe I don’t even have the right formula! I’ve never been that great at math.

I’ve been all grumbly, moping around, and outright cranky for weeks. I feel like I’ve been sucking the life out of the people around me which just makes me feel even worse. I haven’t been too excited for Christmas because I feel like I’m just going to end up alone a lot. I never like New Year’s Eve and nothing’s going to change next year so why bother looking forward to it? I’ve tried making positive changes and moving forward but I just keep being held back for some reason. It all seems so … bleh. Like I said, I’ve been a real grouch lately. You were warned!

You know what though? The stupidest little thing cheered me up yesterday. I’ve replaced my social media scrolling with scrolling through my over 25 000 photos on my phone. (Turns out it’s hard to quit scrolling cold turkey!) Yeah, I realize that’s ridiculous. I’ll add transferring photos to my list of things I’m not going do later… with everything else on that list. Sorry, the grouch just came out again a little bit there. What was I saying? Oh right, my ridiculous amount of photos. I take photos partly because I don’t want to forget something. Sometimes it’s because it’s a pretty scene, but most of the time it’s to commemorate the moment. My brain is kind of frustrating. It tends to only remember the bad times and negative things. I think that’s pretty normal, unfortunately. So having tons of photos of the good things is a great way to remember that it’s not all bad and to tell the negative nelly living in my brain to can it. It’s even more helpful when I actually look at them.

My photos reminded me all the incredible people I’ve met this year. They reminded me of all the new adventures I’ve been on and the achievements I have had. They also reminded me of all of the things I used to love years ago. My photos reminded me that I am capable of more than just going to work and then coming home and lying down, even when times are tough and even when I think I’m exhausted. They reminded me that I’m not just a cranky grouch all of the time either. They also reminded me that I have no idea what’s coming. I could not have predicted this last year. I could not have predicted the people that were going to walk into my life. I could not have predicted any of the adventures or the growth or even crankiness lol. I have no idea what’s coming and that means the good too, not just the bad.

Sometimes even the tiniest shift can make everything feel just a little bit lighter. That’s what happened when I looked at those photos. It reminded me of who I really am, despite how I currently feel or what I may believe. And now here I am writing, creating, and knocking one thing off of that seemingly impossible list. A couple of my own pictures helped remind me of how important it is for me to keep trying to find happiness anywhere I can. And as long I as I keep looking for it, happiness will always be around somewhere, waiting for me to find it again. ❤